Did I really waste my time in an argument with someone about this?! Yes I did. I’m horrible for getting “hooked”. I couldn’t resist. I knew it was coming, so I grabbed my chance to really be truthful. So, I’ve put on my little truth fairy glam swag and of course I got sparkly stilettos and a wand to match to share my big debut as a flaming, ultra liar!
Lets be real people!!! Everyone is a liar!! I saw this movie once and it was about a world where you couldn’t lie. It was really funny. If everyone walked around saying what was really on their mind all the time it would be awful, and slightly entertaining. For instance, when I go to work and someone asks me how I am, I’m going to say fine. I’m not going to bear my soul and say horrible, I have the runs this morning and my kid just took a big fit on the way to daycare and I lost it so I feel like the worst mother in the world and I really don’t want to talk to you because I need to put my stuff away so I can run to the can and cry and shit my brains out. Really people, is telling the truth all the time necessary and realistic? From children lying about their chores, to people lying to get the advantage on others, to cheating spouses. Where do we draw the line and is lying right or wrong?
The dictionary defines a liar as someone who tells lies. Some examples are:
When your children or anyone else is lying and it becomes an unhealthy pattern, there’s usually a reason. Fear is usually the biggie. Fear of feeling shame for a mistake, fear of being abused verbally or emotionally by your spouse if it’s an abusive relationship, fear of disappointing someone, or fear of getting caught doing something that’s not quite on the up and up, fear that the person you just picked up at the local bar won’t go home with you if they know your unemployed, a junkie, or has commitment issues, fear of rejection, sociopathic, narcissistic, and psychotic mental disorders and the list goes on.
Most people are unaware of how much they really do lie. I find that the more judgemental people are of themselves and others, the more they have to hide and lie about. People lie to themselves to hold their life together so they don’t have to change. Denile is a fantastic and wonderful survival method our mind uses to help us survive traumatic events so we don’t self destruct. We lie to gain approval from others, join social groups, get jobs, and avoid conflict. We lie to inflate our ego and and get others to think we’re better than we are. We lie to our children about Santa, the tooth fairy, Easter bunny, what we were really doing out last night, and mums the word on the groud up veggies we snuck in the sauce. Children arn’t stupid. Their home is their blueprint for survival. They learn what they see. They copy the example they are shown. If we are fighting all the time, or put on a front in our relationship, then tell them “things are fine”, it creates an inner conflict within the child. They know its not ok, they see it’s obviously not, but having no choice they become conditioned and this is their normal. They then grow up and repeat what they have learned. Lying is part of our culture. The better the front, the bigger the prize. Credit card companies thrive on this.
One of my favourite sayings is “fake it till ya make it”. This comes from me doing cognative restructuring work. When we are trying to make a personal change in our life, you not only have to change your perspective on your issue, but also take action. Change is uncomfortable so that’s where the fake it comes in. One day you’ll wake up and your new way will be your new pattern. We really hate it, and it’s uncomfortable to go out of our comfort zone but we do it anyway and reaffirm to ourself we’re ok. Technically this is lying. When we’re reaffirming ourself “it’s ok, you’re fabulous!” as we’re nervous as heck, sweaty, with a pasted on smile because we entered a fashion show and working the runway, we’re lying to ourself and others to make it through because what we really want to do is run off and throw up. Is that wrong? Isn’t the fake front to success in personal growth a liers playground. Definately….but it works.
Relationships are full of lies. We say we have a headache to avoid sex. We hide all our flaws when we first start dating because we want to be accepted, we buy things and don’t tell our spouce, we tell them they are the best in bed and perform like hookers to keep our partner from straying even though we don’t want to be a sex puppet. Every relationship is different and there are different rules to each one. It’s up to us to pick what are tolerance levels are when it comes to who we want in our life and what our personal boundaries are. Some relationships are ruled by deciet, disfunctional ones are woven together by secrets of substance, sexual, or emotional abuse. Everyone holds the peices together so the family doesn’t get blown apart or everyone finds out about their horrible secret. People arn’t happy so they cheat on their spouce. They don’t want to lose their cosy lifestyle so they eat their cake and other people’s cake too. Some people have agreements that anything goes and they don’t want to know what their partner does in their spare time. There are as many rules as their are personalities, everyone’s dynamic is different.
When relationships develope an emotional connection, they tend to trigger all our trust issues and many more. Love makes us feel vulnerable and betrayal is the worst feeling of them all. We’ve all been there. On the betrayed side and the one who did the betraying. We are all human. We all make mistakes, people hurt us, we learn and grow and vice versa. It’s part of this life we chose here on this planet. I think trust is a biggie in a relationship, and lying is a biggie also. But to what extent? My special man half doesn’t tell me everything and I don’t want to know. How boring. If he has a problem I don’t need to know who he consults with all the time. I have faith that he’s smart enough to go to the right source to find the solution to his dilemma. Sometimes it’s me, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes he even talks to my girlfriends about stuff, sometimes I talk to his friends. I like that because it gives a different perspective on things and the opposite sex always sees things differently, so it broadens my knowlege base. I’m a woman, and a Libra at that. We love to talk, gossip, debate, and hash out our stuff with our besties. Does my partner care? Not really. I have good sounding boards in my life. Plus it would drive him nuts if I told him every person I talked to every day and about what. Very unnecessary.
So back to my debut as a flaming liar. I kept a confidence. Someone asked me if I was talking to this person. I said no. It’s none of anyone’s business, and they told me not to tell this person in fear of emotional and physical abuse. I offered my advice and support. I gave them good advice. I didn’t feel like being responsible for a domestic call. Am I bad? Am I a liar, or a good confidant? I’m confused!!
So to wrap it all up, I’m a fat liar, my friends are liars, my children, and the rest of my neighbourhood, and aquaintances, but to what extent, and do we have the right to be pointing fingers in judgement?
Truth is we all get back what we put out. When we point fingers, we have fingers pointing back, when we wish bad on others, we get some bad luck in return. Let’s be realistic and empathetic with others. No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. This teaches us about life, ourself, and the others we share our life with. In every situation, good or bad, we always need to refrain from blame and look at how we can use this to better our life, expand our knowlege, and be a positive example to others.