It has been five years since I told my ex husband to leave. I struggled for about three years with the thought of being alone and divorced. I thought that if I put more effort in it, it wouldn’t fail. I thought if I nagged my husband enough, he would put more effort into changing to save our family. I thought if I distracted myself enough that the “rough patch” would pass. Maybe counselling would help, maybe a vacation would fix things….the list goes on.
As time went on and we “tried” all the fixes you could think of, I realized that this was just not going to happen. We grew into very different people and to top it off I found out that my ex was on a fast track to secret financial ruin. I really had no idea that he had a bad gambling problem and was squandering all our investments and savings behind my back. I found out by a card reading from a friend who told me in detail what was going on and moving on was the best choice. My spiritual contract with him was done after my kids were born and I was wasting my time fixing something that was done like a dinner. No wonder the harder I tried the worse things got!!
I was always a good life planner and financial smarty pants. I was saving my down payment for my first home before I was twenty. I was building credit in my teens and I always set future goals no matter what personal hardship I was facing (and at that time in my life I was rittled with obstacles). When I met my ex he was a nice responsible guy but with no credit. Of course I put him on mine, but after we were engaged and were making future plans.
When my marriage was over so was my financial status. I was an angry bitter wife to begin with because of all the years of enabling an adult baby man. I was an even angrier ex wife for allowing myself to remain in this disaster for so long and for allowing myself to be in financial ruin because of my unstable husband. I was so angry I was sick. Looking back I don’t even know how I made it through. I barley did. I was forced to claim bankruptcy and four months later I gave up my home because it was a bad investment for me. Leaving the house was a blessing and I was glad to leave. I did have investments in my name. I didn’t put his name on everything. I also started a bit of a savings just in case.
At the end of my marriage I desperately did a lot of things to please my husband including letting him made some bad choices I knew were wrong. He would always complain that I always made big decisions and basically he was jealous. So I thought that I would let him wear his big boy pants for a bit. Big Mistake. He chose a home that needed extensive work and that housed several low vibrational spirit beings in it that tormented my kids and created cold spots in the house and gave me bad dreams. Eventually I banished most of them but there were two that I held captive in the basement and they couldn’t go anywhere else in the home. The kids still spoke of them though and they hated it. I also traded in my jeep that I loved on his request for a more family car. Big mistake. I had to foreclose on that also because it was a bad investment and a money trap I couldn’t afford on my own.
The whole purpose of sharing my story is not to vent or complain. It’s to show those that are thinking about leaving their partner to follow their gut feeling. If you “just know” you need to leave or you have a “bad feeling” that your spouse is doing something behind your back, you are probably right (unless you have an anxiety disorder or a paranoid insecurity problem) If you are in an abusive situation (by the end we were both abusive) it’s time to go. Enabling a bad situation creates anger, resentment and harms and damages everyone especially your children. Even though divorce is a scary process and it’s a process alright, it’s better to be alone than in a bad situation or a relationship that is not fulfilling anymore. If everything you try is just making things worse you more than likely are done your karmic contract and need to break free so you can make better choices to fulfill your life path and purpose.
Today my life is good and rewarding. Five years ago it was sad angry and full of loss and heartache. I knew I made the right decision and the day I kicked my ex out I knew it would take me five years to rebuild and fully and totally reach my goals. Five years seems like a long time but it went by fast. In that time I transitioned and morphed at warp speed to reach my goal. Let me tell ya, I had a lot of hard lessons to learn to become who I am today. I made it through several bad relationship choices. I made it through fast spiritual evolution. I made it through the dark night of the soul…twice. Not fun. I made it through the fear of being my own person, trusting my own instinct, and being a single mom. I made it through the grief cycle several times. I resolved unresolved inner child issues and healed my adult child of an alcoholic issues. I learned how to be non reactive and an active observer. I’ve trained myself to be in the moment and to focus on my choices in the moment to create a rewarding future. I’ve been a voice and strength to my kids through their anger and transition and showed them skills and got them help so they can heal and make positive choices. After all that I also had to give myself permission to rest and enjoy just being and being happy. That’s a stretch too for an enabler.
Financially I always had perfect credit. I wanted to stab the eyes out of my ex when my finances went up in flames. And he laughed at me because he really loved to see me upset. After I was discharged from my bankruptcy I immediately got myself a prepaid credit card. I also bit the bullet and got a loan because my car was bottoming out. Although it was high interest, it helped me regain a good credit rating. Three years it’s been since I went crying into that office building to proclaim that I was a financial failure. Today I qualify for a mortgage, I have a line of credit and I don’t feel victimized by my divorce anymore. It’s done.
One thing that everyone always says to me is “You and Andre can get a house together “. That’s great and most people jump into their familiar life again with a spouce. Some work out, and some don’t. That’s the point. Everyone’s different. We all have our purpose and path and we can’t say one is better than another. I still have a purpose. I still need to do things that are important to my journey. Being independent and a strong independent woman is one of them.
Growing up in an abusive home you lose yourself. I have never been sure of myself or even knew myself. This has been an important time for that growth. Getting to know myself, the good and the not so good has given me inner power, wisdom, and confidence. I don’t see myself being “bound” to anyone through financial or marital contracts yet. I can’t. When I slip back and get insecure and want to be in my happy relationship with someone full time place because as a Libra I don’t like being alone, I feel off. I teeter totter back and forth with that comfort zone but know it’s not for me yet. I have too much to do for myself and with myself and my kids. I need to get my own way for a while and do what I want and reach my own goals. I do have a super supportive man friend who is behind everything I do 100%. That’s what I need and that’s what I have. He gets it. I love it.
This inner confidence and peace is very rewarding. My home is conflict free for the most part. My children see me true to myself and has given them permission to do the same. We have a love yourself no matter what home. A be true to yourself home. And an accept yourself for who you are flaws and all home. We speak truth. And it’s too bad if you don’t like to hear it. We accept each other no matter what and try our best to respect each others voice and views.
“My teacher is going to call you because I’m very disruptive in class and she’s mad at me.” bursts out my daughter last week. “Great!” I replied and we talked about respect and consequences. What kid does that?! I’m blessed. It makes parenting a whole lot easier. We since then spoke to the teacher and Mikaela has decided to go on a low dose of her ADD meds while in school to slow her down a bit so she can be more productive. And stay in her seat and her mouth shut. lol! It’s working.
I’m glad I went through what I did and I would do it again. The outcome has been rewarding five hundred fold. I not only learned this myself, I taught my children inner strength and perseverance through bad times. they are now in the light at the end of the tunnel.
So I do have to say when you’re on the edge of the cliff and scared to jump…you can fly. You have everything you need even if you love everything in this material world. You will get it back and even better. There is support and help from those on the same path and from professionals. You will get through the bad and reach the rainbow. I promise.