I am choosing to wallow and bask in my own gloomy self-destructive shadow of a pity cloud today! We all do it, but I’m going to share mine. Usually when we talk about our stuff and get it out we feel better and realize it’s not all that bad.
I’ve been having such a hard time this year. I’m hating the winter! The depressive gloomies have taken right over this year. Even with my constant struggle to be happy and positive…I’m still gloomy. On top of that, to make things even more depressing, my heartblood pressure meds needed adjusting last month which means I won’t be getting off them any time soon. I’ve been on them for almost two years now and sometimes they make me feel yucky and dizzy. I’m so sensitive to meds and the side effects of these necessary meds sometimes gets me really down. Yes…more dizzy than the normal blonde fog I’m in! Lol! Today I feel so awful I couldn’t go to work. I hate being around people when I’m a big puddle of a mess! To top things off, I broke up with my boyfriend of three years because of my man friends fear of whatever…commitment, losing his manhood, not having a man space…you get it. I”m getting impatient and bitchy about it. Not good. What do you do with a guy like that?? I’m not sure, so after a big talk, I walked away. I’m thinking that some space will bring some clarity and solutions to us both.
OK, so I have to rant on about this!!! My man friend is the nicest, most good hearted, cutest guy I have ever dated. He loves me and bends over backwards to make sure that I’m happy and OK. Not that he’s whipped, because he’s not. He does nice things like bring me over groceries, he buys the kids stuff and brings over food from his restaurant often. He compliments me often and treats me like a beautiful princess. He just does this, I don’t even have to ask. He’s just one of the most kindest people I have ever met. Everyone loves him, and he will help out anyone that needs it. He has taught me about love and being giving to others no matter what. We laugh all the time because we are both silly people, and I love his company, we always have a good time, even if it’s just sitting doing nothing. We have both grown and became better people during our relationship.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU!!?? You are probably screaming at me, and as I write this I’m asking myself the same thing…. Why dump such a great guy? Maybe I’m stupid, I’m not sure yet. But I do know that even though we are on the same page with most things, the progression of our relationship is the page that is missing.
I want a partner, I’m tired of being a single mom. It’s a lot of work and I’m tired most of the time. I want to plan my life with a partner…one that I’m living with. Not one that is part time. I want to play house part time and then go to my own place part time. I’m getting resentful about this and I don’t want to be. That’s why I split. For me to regroup and focus on my own well being, and for him to do the same and figure out why he can’t move forward even though he wants to.
The issue is fear. Plain and simple. And it’s probably not just him, it might be me too. Fear, weather it’s conscious or not will cripple the best, the strongest and the bravest….if you let it.
We’ve both been hurt, used, broken and lied to by others. Big deal right? Everyone has their stuff, we all have a story and probably most of it is on the close to horrible side. Betrayal, abuse, neglect…they all make their mark on our psyche, and most of the time we aren’t conscious of how far the scar runs down into our soul.
WHAT’S MY SHPEAL??
Since my divorce, and from things I went through during my divorce, I have created many a barriers created by hurt and fear of being hurt or abused again. As I do some self inventory I see that I have created a safe haven for myself with my kids. This is OK but is beginning to prove to be detrimental to my mental health. I have built walls and hold most people except my dearest trusted friends out at arms length. This isolation has slowly crept in and has now manifested into a lifestyle. Not good. I’ve taken it easy so much because of my blood pressure that I have become boring and unmotivated. My fear of being hurt and having bad health has backed me into a small vortex of a bad cycle. Just plain ridiculous! I know that I can’t “snap” out of this…but I’m about a month into the snapping process. Lol! I’ll get there. Hopefully soon…
I’m not sure what all encompasses my manly friends junk. That’s his job to figure that out. I do know most of it is fear also. And I find that men have a most difficult time healing their issues because they are not prone to being in tune with their emotions. When you can’t tap into the deep emotional reason for an issue, you generally have a hard time healing it. It just keeps popping up…always. Another thing that fear does is steals your life. It gets into the way of really living life. This is my latest and probably only complaint to him. How can you just date forever? Not sure how that works. I’m sure it works for some people and it all depends on your lifestyle, but I’m thinking it’s not in my cards.
So what do you do with a guy like that? Super great sweetheart that is stuck in super slow mo and is crippled by fear of loss and change. I’m not sure. I do know I can’t change anyone but myself. I do know that I need to focus on my own awful cycle of dumpy poop that I have created in my own life. I know that spring can’t come soon enough because this gloomy winter weather needs to go!! I feel trapped!
So what will happen with me and my guy friend? I’m not sure. I do know that we will always be friends no matter what. Great people who connect so well don’t come along very often. I’m sad and disappointed for many reasons, but also hopeful. I know that time will tell and sometimes life surprises you with some awesome twists and turns that only pop up after you make some changes and room for new stuff to come in. So who knows…
Some proactive steps that I have taken are I have ordered some new books. I’m excited to get them in the mail this Friday. They are LIFE CODE by Phil McGraw and REAL LIFE by Phil McGraw. I’m not usually drawn to many main stream self help celebrities, but these books just keep popping up. When I finally looked them up and read the review I had to order them. Not only will I benefit from some new knowledge, I will be able to empower my kids with the skills and viewpoints from these books. Times have changed and so have many healing techniques and skills that I learned so long ago.
I purchased an elliptical machine and have been working out again. I know that one day I will WANT to work out but right now I’m at the beginning stage of OMG I’m gonna die, and WTF am I doing!? Lol! I’m going to make myself stick to it and when it warms up outside, I can add some outdoor activities to my list.
I already meditate (I could do better) and make sure I focus on blessings and the positive things I have in life. I have many a great thing going on in my little world that I’m very thankful for. I have always been very blessed. Even though I have been through a lot in my life, I’m a better, stronger person because of it. Saying that, it doesn’t mean that the past doesn’t poke through once in a while, or I’m now wonder woman. I love my life and my family, but struggle and have the same challenges that all single mom’s have. Gratitude and service is important to get outside the yucky bubble that often surrounds those who are going through many of life’s stresses. Being loving and compassionate to others also brings inner peace and happiness to others and to yourself.
Whew!!! Well I feel better already!! I thank everyone for your shoulder, and also hope that my junk will help you with your own junk. We are not alone in whatever we might be going through. Both big and small. When we reach out, we not only help ourselves, we give others permission to be human also. We are never alone. One thing to always remember is that depression, like other illnesses, is serious. Even when treated medically, you have to keep on top of it with a positive life style. And even then, I find that mine creeps up and overcomes me here and there. Especially in the winter. If you feel gloomy or have self destructive thoughts for more than two weeks, please see your doctor. There is no shame in getting help and treatment for any disorder. Never let anyone tell you other wise. Everyone deserves to be happy and healthy and be able to enjoy life and all the great things it has to offer!