As I listened to an acquaintance rattle off reasons why her new boyfriend was so great, and most important, how he has changed. I wanted to blurt out “Don’t you think you’re worth MORE than THAT!?!” but I didn’t. “He’s changed and he’s such a family man now.” He’s been unemployed for the past decade, abusing alcohol and mooching off a criminal and her children. People go through stuff. I know that too well, but do they magically change? I’m not being judgmental. I always think we have the choice to change, and anyone can if they consciously strive to do so. But…do they change, or are we just hoping they have so that we can finally find “the one” who will finally make us happy?
I can relate. I was queen of delusional hope. Princess of a million chances and it’s all my fault and he’ll change. Or better yet, I’ll change and we’ll live happily ever after. It brought me back to the days where everyone else thought I was awesome except for the most important person…myself. You could tell. One bad relationship after another. I THOUGHT I valued myself. I THOUGHT I was making the right decisions that would make me happy. That’s’ the key word. Thought.
I realize now that my bad relationship choices were a reflection of my inner self. As I peeled off more and more layers of deep issues, my self worth went up, and my environment and choices in things, people, and lifestyle show it. My choices got better, my quality of life improved, friends changed as I changed myself and discovered how I REALLY was and felt. The truth is the truth. Not disillusioned by what I ‘want’ it to be, or how others see it.
Why do you insist on seeing only the “good” in the people you chose to date? Do you share your inner most self with people who have to dig around to find the “good” that comes up when they are sober, not stressed at work or being abusive? When you listen to yourself talk about this person, do you have to make excuses for them? Do you find yourself trying to convince others that even though they have an iffy past that now they have magically changed for you? Do you use the excuse that you’re just TOO nice or kind and don’t know what hit you?
That’s the reality of it. Most people don’t change and you are what you do. For example, your bestie can’t be a hard core racist, yet you insist that they love your by-racial friends like you do. You hope that by your example they will change their beliefs and your awesome friends will convert them to love everyone equally, but in reality, he’s a racist. And probably will pretend for a while that he’s not, but true colors always shine. Hopefully your fabulous friends will change this limited thinking person to open his/her mind and heart, but the remarks and snide comments tell you otherwise. Just like slutty Sally who just wants a good time. Guys meet her and hope she is a keeper. She keeps them hanging with false hope but in the end she’s just a good time with issues. It’s just how it is. What you do is what you are. It’s not wrong. It’s just how it is.
I mean REALLY love yourself???
Do you love and respect your body by eating healthy, not polluting it with chemicals and substances?
Do you surround yourself with people who respect your boundaries and personal beliefs?
Does your partner respect and love who you are and give you the freedom to be yourself? Do you feel at peace and accepted when you voice your opinion and ideas on things? Does your partner value him/herself enough to be themselves and use honesty and freedom of expression in the relationship and with others?
When you get real and do an inventory on someone (including yourself) be real. If your boyfriendgirlfriend was OK with using someone in the past, dealt drugs, dodged child support or any other non attractive trait, that’s how they are. PERIOD People act out what’s inside and if it’s OK for them to do that for most of their life, chances are that’s what they’ll keep on doing. They are not going to change just because they’re with you, you want them to, or they promise they will(without taking real action)
Now here’s the punch line! DON’T YOU THINK YOU DESERVE MORE THAN THAT?!? If you’re with someone who lies, cheats, steals, does or deals drugs, abuses alcohol, is verbally, emotionally, financially or physically abusive in ANY way, you…deep inside…think you deserve it. We all make mistakes and we all all human. What I”m talking about is, is this the regular pattern. That’s why you’re there at that moment. If you didn’t feel that way on some level, and this wasn’t OK with you, you wouldn’t be in that situation. Period.
How can you change it? Are you doomed to a life of rescuing or setting yourself up to be a victim? Is ANYONE worth sacrificing your own happiness and self fulfillment for a life of disappointment and unhappiness or just settling?
NO DEFINITELY NOT!!!
Peel back the illusion and deal with it. I hope that you feel uncomfortable at the moment, maybe offended….. because that’s what I want. That’s the bur you need to spur you into action. It’s uncomfortable and sometimes horrifying, but in order to be true to yourself, you have to be true to yourself. If you don’t like what you see, you have the power to change it to something you feel good about. The more you are honest with yourself and make choices that reflect self love, respect and honor for your true self, the happier and freer you will feel. You will attract those who love you for who you truly are. You won’t be concerned with adjusting yourself to please someone else or expecting them to do the same. You will be with those who reflect and respect your purpose, beliefs, and new way of self love. You will look back with many WTF’s and OMG’s and that’s OK. That’s what we are here for. To be human and to live the human experience and learn from it.
Here’s another spin that I truly believe in. We are where we are at for a higher reason. If we don’t fit with someone, we don’t fit. It’s OK. You can’t make a fit, or change to force a fit. The universe knows everyone’s truth including your own and when it works and is in your best interest the relationship comes easy. It’s a good experience. If you are riddled with problems and stress, leave it. Everyone comes and goes in our lifetime for different reasons. We have soul contracts with other souls for the purpose of evolving yourself and learning. To try to change or control someone’s path is wrong on a soul and karmic level. If we want freedom to chose our own way, then you have to let others. When we are real with our true self, we will understand why certain people come and go. If we are with someone that is not making us happy and we are aware of it, we have to change our circumstances so we are being true to yourself.