I love my life. I love who I am. I accept and understand the hardships, challenges, and triumphs in my life, and am very blessed to have acquired the knowledge, strength and compassion I have because of these experiences.
Saying that, I am always growing and stretching, and once again I have been called to make a BIG stretch and grow. I know if I don’t I will miss out on opportunities that are near, and I will be slapped more and more by the universe to just DO IT ALREADY! Lol!
I have been pushed, with every step I take towards the goals that I have (to have a thriving spiritual practice which includes a uber extensive metaphysical supply store and sanctuary) to let go of more and more of my fears and lodged trauma that is still in my being.
This past week has been an awesome, but weird, and now psychically exhausting one. In the last six months, I have been really focusing my goals and growth into my moon rituals. Every two weeks, I evaluate, I give thanks for my progress, and I set my intent for the next two weeks. This has sped up and power packed my goals, but has also intensified the “letting go” process.
Healing from past wounds is often painful and draining. When releasing the emotions, thoughts, and actions associated with a negative experience, it’s often very exhausting and painful. This is me…right now.
Let’s be frank…
I asked for healing of my fear of abandonment issues, to be confident and brave and do what I need to do to reach my goals. Well I got it. My guides have decided that I need to cut it out with the baby step crap and get down to brass tacks. I get it. At Doreen Virtues class last week the readings all screamed of “Get off your can! You’re on the right track and you need to get moving for real or you will miss out on an opportunity!!” “You need a mentor, you need to go see your healer regularly, and damn it! give Roxanne a call!!” and the blaring one last night was “You are needed so release this so we can get on with this purpose thing. These blocks and fears do not exist in your reality right now and you are allowing them to hold you back! Let’s go. You have to move on.(with love from my spirit guides and archangel Michael and Raphael and God, Jesus, and Mother Mary and my angels, and whoever else I invited to help me with this dramatic releasing)
This is what happened….in a nut shell…I’ve been putting off meeting up with one of my mentors Roxanne Wagner for a while. When I see her it’s dramatic. It’s amazing and I love her to death. I’ve been seeing her in my dreams and she pops in my head all the time. I need to branch off and make friends in the community that will guide me and teach me more. I need to make more friends who are on the same crazy wavelength as me. I’ve been stalling because I’m afraid and I don’t want to bother anybody. This thing of bothering people is a by product of my abusive and horribly dysfunctional childhood. I know it’s not real, but my ingrained, subconscious voice pops up and stears the wheel. Over and over and over again. I see this and I know why, but I needed to dig this up, pull it out of the yucky vat and begin the REAL process of healing this. I’ve worked on this before and it was gone, but when my girlfriend died a few years back, it all came back, with a new twist.
The not so enjoyable part of following your purpose and path, is undoing the junk that has kept you from knowing what it is, and the pain that stops you from unravelling the junk that keeps you from your purpose. For me, at this point, the more painful part is the slap I get from NOT following my inner voice. My guides will throw things in my path to force me to grow and cleanse what doesn’t serve me anymore. And even though I have been doing this for twenty years, it’s still sometimes a challenge and even though I like the results and am a living testimony of survival, I don’t enjoy this process.
So last night I was taught a big lesson. I made a big mistake with out thinking.
I wanted to give my best friend an angel reading. I’m very excited about my new cards and she invited me to meet her and her other friend for a birthday drink. Here’s what happened in a nutshell. I went in and discovered that the place was small, packed and was a bar, not a small restaurant. As I walked in I was met by a rude drunk who made a smart comment at me and almost touched my boob. Not a good idea from his standpoint. So I make my way to the back table to where they were sitting and I sit down. I tried to set up my sacred space and I guess I wasn’t grounded properly (which looking back was probably impossible in that environment). Right from the start MB”s friend wasn’t cooperative. She wouldn’t tell me her question which meant that the cards were going to tell her what she “needed” to hear and that means she won’t like it. So I read them anyway, and I could tell she didn’t like it. Then she told me her question and I could answer that with out the cards and she didn’t like it. People don’t want to hear what is in there highest good because this often is conflict with what they want. She wants a guy to like her but he’s not going to. Plain and simple. Her reading came out focused on her and her life and goals, what is what she need to focus on to get the guy that’s good for her. My next reading was rudely interrupted my the guy who stopped me as I was coming in. MB’s friend told him I would read him and I said “NO I won’t!” I was so unimpressed! Very out of line and very intrusive on my boundaries.On top of that I was criticized for not wanting to read a drunk because he wasn’t “really drunk” according to this girl and was a super nice guy. Not what my intuition says and I trust it 100%. Anyway, to make a long story short, because you’re getting the jist of the story, from the beginning of my reading, I felt “squashed” and irritated. It was very hard to keep my energetic boundary of protection up and I began feeling overwhelmed. I tried to curb this and breath, but it just got worse. My skin began to crawl and my heart began to beat really hard. I got snippy because I was feeling so attacked and “prickly”. I lasted 25 min in there and had to split. I grabbed my stuff, apologized and ran. In tears. To my car.
My heart was pounding and I was freaking out. WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!! I thought as I shook off all the negative energy that had attached to me in there and tried to clear and protect myself. I was scared and horrified and headed home…crying, embarrassed,and a bit scared, knowing that I had been psychically attacked. As I drove I had a vision and my guide told me I need a mentor stat and I’ll be OK. Have you ever had a vision while driving? Well I have and it takes skill to stay on the road, that’s for sure! I’ve also had them on the stairs(try that without falling!)lol! I guess my angels like to make it exciting! Lol! I mostly get visions when my well being is at stake and I need a message stat. So I ran in the door to my room. Saged and cleansed myself and called upon every healing power there is to help me ground and centre and to cut the cords of whatever attached to me in that place.
My lesson. I should have followed my gut and not did the reading in there. Don’t do readings in a bar with low vibrational junk flying around. I looked up how to make a barrier between me and my clients so I don’t get contaminated with unwanted energy. And of course, as I called in my archangel Raphael, I was flooded with tears to get rid of my block to growth at this time. What a painful, draining night.
I’m so glad that my family is understanding and supportive. My daughter right away says to me “MOM! You had a panic attack! All the bad energy! Why would you read in a place like that!?” As I think of Teresa Caputo and her overwhelming panic she had until she learned how to handle the energy and set boundaries with spirit. Crazy and yet my intuitive daughter got it. Andre came home and saw me and right away knew as I begun my horrible story. He right away told me to go talk to my angels and heal this since I was still visibly shaken. As I went back to my room I got “I love you’s” and “it’s OK”. I love my safe home. Love it.
So today (in tears) I received a call from my beautiful spirit sister Corrine B. and she told me what happened and is going to set me up with some healing touch on a regular basis (which I’ve been putting off for too long). When you channel energy regularly it’s important to keep yourself clear and balanced. She also is going to get in touch with someone who can help me learn to handle outside energy and read. Because I was light in there, I acted as a magnet and attracted everyone, thing, and it’s mother in my field. I felt like I was being attacked because I WAS being attacked. I also called my old healer and mentor Roxanne. She was so glad to hear from me! I’m going for a clearing and a catch up next week. I can’t wait. I know I’ll cry the whole time. She helped me heal my life and she is an angel here on earth. Mind you, I did the work, but she pulled the junk out, and I’m very blessed today because of my treatments. She has a very sacred place in my heart.
So I got it. I did what I’m supposed to do. And I’m drained. My heart hurts and I’m exhausted today. Not fun, but today I will spend resting, and letting my mind and body process and heal what it needs to. I’m on the train to the next step, no going back. Next week begins the journey. I have faith that although I don’t know how or what this entails, I will get there and love it and the journey along the way.