I’m very open and honest with my choices in life, and when people ask me personal questions, I am usually pretty open with my story, depending on the intent of the one asking. Even then, I have come to a place where I am comfortable with myself for the most part and I chose not to be affected by status quo thinking or negativity. I always hope that even though people have there own intent, and opinion, and sometimes not a positive one, that my inner peace with myself and my being will rise above and affect those in a positive way. Coming from a background riddled with shame and hypocrisy, one of the things that I deem important for me is to be true to myself, and honest and open with it in order to break that cycle.
Everyone wants a good scoop, and being the latest gal to go under the knife for plastic surgery at my workplace, I’m up there on the hot topics. Everyone has checked the new sisters out, asked me if I’m happy, who my surgeon is, is it painful, how much did you pay…and the list goes on. I have even got some questions that threw me back like “Did Andre make you do this?” lol. All of them I answer openly, for I’m very happy with my choice. I researched the procedure and researched a few surgeons before I chose one. Getting a perkier, fuller bosom has been on my list for several years, and I finally just did it. I’m very glad I did and I’m extremely happy with my surgeon. Will I get other stuff done….probably. What will I get done? Nothing for now. But as life goes on I’m open to anything. lol. And don’t worry, I’ll be open with that too.
So of course, my beautiful, and I mean gorgeous co-worker was asking me all the questions and details, and if I’m happy. Of course I am. It’s a big and expensive decision to make and then not be happy with it. As the day went on, she said to me…
“I wish I was more like you. You are always so confident with yourself. Even before your surgery you were always not concerned with what people thought and have the attitude of “Here I am! Take it or leave it!” I wish I was more like that.”
I accepted the compliment, for it took me forever and a century to become like that,(and sometimes I’m not!) but this was
coming from a person who possessed the beauty other women coveted, the perfect hight, and amazing hair. If this woman sported a burlap sac, men would still check her out. As I thanked her and returned the compliment she, like us all, down played it, and added some good self-criticisms in for fun.
As I went through my day, her compliment left a big smile on my face, but what about it? How could this girl who has it all in the gorgeous department be so down on herself? And admire me of all people??? For I’m not self-assured all the time, I have my hang ups like everyone else, I have health problems that I’m young to have, get depressed, and the obvious….I wish I was more like HER! lol!
This compliment has stuck in my head all week, until now, I’m putting it on virtual paper. So here’s the scoop…on me and my confident self….
Growing up I wasn’t given very much positive feed back. My parents fought all the time. My mother made me follow and do everything that she thought was right in her angry, control ridden mind, or thought I liked. I was brought up in a religion where self worth was measured by fake works instead of who you were as a person, and women were treated less important than men. As a teen, I lashed out, a product of all the control and abuse I endured until then. I then was tossed from home to home because I was too troubled and hard to handle. I basically lived on my own from the age of 16. From then on, I began searching for myself. Who am I? What do I even like? I had no idea…none.
Through the years, I began the journey back to myself. I found out what I like, and what I don’t like, through trial and error. I found out what my belief system is, through trial and error. I found out why I made the same mistakes over and over again, and taught myself how to make new and healthy choices based on who I really am. Through this journey, which has taken decades mind you, I have peeled off layers and layers of junk. Layers and layers of engrained and dysfunctional thinking. Layers and layers of self-degrading talk which lead to self-degrading behaviour. As the layers came off, I filled the space with positive self-talk and compliments. Even when it felt weird and awkward, I made myself accept compliments and give them out. I forced myself to make better choices. I forced myself to dig out the root of my self loathing and replace it with love and acceptance.
I am very proud to have become who I REALLY am. I have, through intense reflection, brutal self honesty, and painful release of the wounds of the past, learned who I am. I have, also in the past few years realized how important it is to be OK with your darker side, your shadow self. Doing some past life self therapy, I have learned not to judge myself and others harshly for we are all here doing things that us humans label as “bad” and “good” for a much higher reason than we are conscious of. Accepting that I do have bad days along with the good ones, and that what other people think is exactly that…what THEY think. As long as I am true to myself and fulfil my own purpose, that’s what I’m here for. Mistakes and all.
In doing this, I’m able to teach my children by example to be proud of themselves and accept themselves for who they are. They make mistakes like everyone, but this does not define who they are as a person. Just as they have seen me make mistakes and recover, so do they. They have seen me live a life of definition determined by outside influence, people, and things, and turn that around to being defined by how I feel about myself inside. Life is much successful doing the later.
Life is good. It hasn’t always been. I’m proud and strong because of the choices I have made and I show it. I love it. I worked hard to be happy and I’m enjoying the life I have created for myself and my family. I want everyone else to do the same.
That’s the key. I did it. I’m not happy because I live in a big house, or drive a fancy car, or have a spouse that feeds my every need and fills my gaps of insecurity. (Although I do live in a nice house, and have a great partner presently) I’m not happy because my life is a fantasy of romance and never ending gifts that look good on the surface. I’m happy because I like myself. I like the sense of inner peace I have because I’m free of the inner chatter of cluttered distracting self talk. I like the way my parenting by example and consistency has played out. I like the way I have turned my mistakes into learning about myself. I also like the way that being who I truly am, and being proud of it, has attracted the same to myself. I’m proud that my partner is the same way and we just jive together and grow together despite our differences. Being confident in ourselves means that our differences aren’t a threat to happiness, it adds variety, it adds spice and flavour to life. I’m not stuck in a rut, or a bad relationship. I’m not subject to rebellious and unhappy kids who are forced to bear the problems of their parents yet another generation. I’m not trapped by fear of change or loss…I’ve done that and survived…and I’m finally where I want to be…finally.
So back to the compliment by my gorgeous co-worker…I love her for it. I thanked her from the bottom of my heart, for that day I saw myself as others see me…and it’s much kinder than I usually think of myself. It was a lesson well learned in self-love and perception. We all need to see ourselves in a loving light and be kinder with our self-talk. We are really all very fabulous and beautiful in our own unique way and have much to share.