The past seven weeks has been challenging for me…an annoying, sick, itchy, dizzy, irritable trip. One that I thought would be done by now. This is a rant of a post,and I’m very blunt. I will warn you…
Before I continue(because this is about anti-depressants), I have to say, that I, in no way, am against medication or western medicine. I acknowledge, and stress, the importance of medical intervention when it comes to depression and mental illness along with other physical ailments. Being an energy worker, and long time metaphysical and spiritual seeker, I am familiar with, and can testify what holistic medicine can do, but I also know that having a physical body, you sometimes have physical problems that require a physical solution. I have made the choice to treat my depression with both holistic therapy (for the past 10 years) along with cognitive therapy and counselling (which I began 21 years ago). I don’t regret it in any way. As a childhood abuse survivor, I have done the hard personal work on a psychological level, and the shifting work on a metaphysical level. All works together, and I am a strong testimony to it’s success.
I also must take this opportunity to stress the importance of intervention. If you know someone, or you suffer with the symptoms of depression or mental illness yourself, you need to seek help. The stigma needs to be removed, and this topic needs to be discussed like any other without shame and judgement. Those suffering need to be treated with love and respect, but also with urgency and all seriousness. As I post the pictures on this blog, tears well up and I feel a lump in my gut. Even though I presently feel well, am happy, and love my life, I know first hand the pain and anguish depression causes. The emotional pain sears through you to the core, and the sadness runs beyond your very being. Like a cage with no key you are trapped. When I would close my eyes and try to feel some peace, all I would see in my mind was a vision of falling down a hole. I would try to grab on the protruding tree roots as I fall, but they would slip away. I was falling, and there was no bottom…that is depression.
SO I WILL CONTINUE ON….
I have been on the drug Cymbalta for the past year and a half. Before then I was on Effexor for seven years. During my divorce I found myself unable to cope with the stress and I began experiencing symptoms of clinical depression. I am no stranger to this illness. I have suffered with it on and off as a teen, post-partum, and when I found myself in an extended stressful situation like my bad marriage and divorce, I began experiencing those awful feelings again. Choosing to go on Effexor was the right decision. You treat a chemical balance to that degree with a medical solution. After listening to bad advice to do yoga more, meditate more, and “You’re a weak person” put downs from people I thought were friends, I just got worse. I knew I had to follow my own inner voice. After a week on my medication, I was back on track and able to deal with the stress I was going through and continue to work on the issues I was faced. I was back! Medication does work, and it works well.
I have gone through the process of going off antidepressants before and it’s not a fun process. It took me two weeks to get off Effexor twelve years ago, and I had to take one week off of work to go through it. I chose to discontinue use of my Cymbalta because it has been making me sluggish, down, and I lost my gumption. With the psychological personal growth work that I have done (inner child, co-dependency,stress management,cognitive restructuring therapy along with energy work) in the past, along with past life therapy in the past two years including receiving my attunements and practising reiki, I have decided that I am at a place where I probably don’t require this medication anymore. I will stress again that I made this decision with my doctor and I have family and friend support. I will also go back onto a needed medication if, in time, I find that that is necessary. I do not recommend you do this just on a whim, or because you feel “better”. I do believe that while you are on medication, this gives you the normalcy in your life so you can get help and incorporate new skills and ways of thinking that will, in time, heal the things that are causing this illness within you. Healing comes from doing the work…ACTUALLY DOING IT…not just learning about it.
So here I go, seven weeks ago, beginning a slow road of detox. I’m not going to go on about it, as the pictures I will include in this section will relay to you what it is like. So I did it slow so I could function in my daily life (although mildly irritated and dizzy all the time). What I didn’t realize is that this drug has the worst withdraw symptoms of them all. I has taken me this long and I’m still not done. I’m almost two weeks now cymbalta free (after 5 of weaning off of 30 mg), and I’m still feeling withdraw symptoms. As I write this, as I build my new on-line extension of my business, as I read, as I work, as I avoid cleaning my house…I am dizzy with the occasional mild brain zap. It feels good to stare…as I find myself doing often…because when my eyes move (especially when I’m walking) the floor feels like sponge. I can’t sleep, so I take a gravol before I go to bed. I was itchy the third week…so awesome. To be at work, I live on half-tabs of gravol. I get really hot like a furnace and cold like a freezer. The past two weeks I have the runs at the most perfect times! lol Sounds pretty bad doesn’t it?!? It is lol, but here’s the kicker…
I FEEL BETTER
Yep! You betcha! Just after cutting down my dose the first week I had more energy. The second week I began being more motivated. The third week I was back plotting to take over the world (one spell candle and a crystal at a time), and I wasn’t complacent anymore. The fourth week I was burning out because I was working and not sleeping well. I found out that was a side effect and began taking something to keep me asleep. problem solved. As the weeks went by I received healing touch and reiki treatments, I did moor mud and sea salt detox baths, and most of all I lived one moment at a time. And that is what I’m still doing. Every moment I make the choice to get through this, and I make the choice to make the best out of feeling sick. Now every day seems better, except today I feel worse, because I’ve spent all day working on my computer with small breaks. But that’s OK. Besides the dizziness, I feel better.
I’m glad I have more energy and desire again to actually DO things. I’m grateful that so many of my co-workers understand and are so good to me. I’m so grateful that my family and partner is supportive of me and is ultra encouraging. I’m glad to see my spunk and bratty sense of humour is going full throttle.
What’s new? Intense feelings. As they well up, I flow through it, with no stress or worries. This is new. This is a great accomplishment for a person who had anxiety, trust, control and anger issues in the past. I’ve done it. I’m DOING IT! I love it.
Most of all, I’m proud of myself for biting the bullet twenty years ago and getting help for myself. The thousands of hours spent on healing and personal growth in the past twenty years have enabled me to acquire the life NOW that most people my age might not see until their later years. People around me are still struggling with life. Wondering why it sucks so bad, or why their husband won’t change, or why they are so sad and down all the time. You can wish your problems away. You can blame them away. You can stuff them down with things, relationships, substances, and drama. Your life will still be the same.
Having the courage to change your life doesn’t come naturally. You have to do it despite the fear and discomfort. Know that it is temporary and the rewards you will reap are worth it ten fold.
Do the work. It’s worth it. And if you need medical help, seek it.
So that’s my story…for the past few weeks. lol. It’s good. Life is very good, and I’m so very blessed.